🛑 🙅🏻‍♀️ 5 Tips on Setting Boundaries and Finding More Balance🙅🏽‍♂️ 🤗

Are you always helping others at the cost of your own well-being? Are you the helpful person who always say yes and can’t say no, are you the one who always says “yeah sure, I can help”! Or are you constantly striving to add value to other people, but sometimes you find yourself compromising your own needs, your own well-being, your own sanity, your own agenda and your own life? Or sometimes you are just working and working and working and you neglect your own self-care, you stop making time for your own routines and you feel like you’re blending those boundaries too much between life and work and relationships and where you start to lose yourself a little bit in the mix. 

First off – don’t worry, it happens to all of us at some point because if you are someone who likes to serve and help others and you’re a giver, you have high degrees of compassion and kindness wanting to serve and give to others is a great compelling need and don’t stop doing that ... you see people think they have to stop doing that then they get themselves in trouble as their heart says I want to give more or they get this internal conflict with you they are as a person ... it’s not about stopping that it’s about getting a greater level of balance.  Some people say that with technology, flexible working, working from home, and a perceived expectation to always be available or online today this “balance” isn’t possible!!

I have to say to that it IS possible to regain some balance... the only reason people believe it’s not possible is because so many people have failed at and are so vocal about it ... but believe me millions of people have found balance and they are doing just fine. Maybe you don’t hear about them as much because they are not out being as vocal about it... but believe me you can find the right amount of balance for yourself... you can figure out how much of that balance you can give without burning out your life or taking away from your own needs..   Here’s 5 tips on how to Set Boundaries and find more balance...

1: Assess Your Needs And Find Your Boundaries First

Before you communicate your boundaries, you’ll have to take the time to assess them, understand your limits, and how to set them. Your personal boundaries will stem from your values and your life’s priorities. Any job worth having (in my humble opinion) recognises that it is, first and foremost, a job. Aside from your work, you have your home life, your relationships, your passions, and your personal space to consider. Keep a list of things you want from life. I coach a lot of professionals and executives and they say they are out of balance and stressed and overwhelmed and I ask them about their goals and are very quick to say a long list of what they don’t want but when I ask them what they do want ... they get stumped and say I don’t know... if you don’t have a list of things, projects, outcomes, goals, dreams you want to achieve written down somewhere that you can see everyday or refer to often then it’s not going to be real for you... your day will continue to be defined by randomness and not routine. Most of the time we experience burnout, because we say yes to too many random requests without gauging what matters, we let ourselves get hijacked – you blend the boundaries of work, career, personal, home, relationships, serving others...... And  your own well being... So make sure you have key goals written down.  Know what you really value and live it. Know your limits and Pay attention to your feelings, giving yourself permission to set boundaries. When you are clear about what’s truly important to you, then you won’t let your day be driven by randomness. It’s time to learn to prioritise what matters most. In a previous Blog (5 Tips to Refocus)   I talked about mapping your own personal GPS (Goal, Priorities and Strategies) having them in-front of you and focusing daily on the power of 3 – by considering your 3 non-negotiable outcomes on a daily basis. Keep focused on these gain clarity on whats really important take back control and find your boundaries first so you can set them!

2: Know where you add value

My mum always said if you want something done give it to the busiest person in the room. When you are a high performer or when you are someone that gets stuff done, you are constantly being asked for help, because you’re good. So its important for you – the achiever to know – what’s your role? Where do you add value the most? And all the other things that come along and try to hijack you, you can’t focus on those things ... its about taking control and focusing on the big moving pieces that you can add the most value to ... and be really clear that If you say yes to everything, though, you end up decreasing your overall contributions.. And the trade off could well be poorer quality....  Sometimes I hear clients some senior executive leaders focusing way too much time on time consuming admin things versus focusing on their unique ability or their strengths.. So, what are the ways you add the most value? What do you do that no one else can?what are your key strengths things you know you do well.  Focus your giving and attention there.

3: Learn To Say No  (Say What You Mean And Mean What You Say.)

Once you know and do the first two things anything that clashes up against them – with your goals, priorities, routines, habits or is not going to contribute to the value you can really add then that is a no. instead of saying yes and then fluffing around later thinking that I will say no later on or make an excuse down the line... it’s an immediate no. The way to set boundaries is with a no. it’s not with a yes then I’ll explain or make up an excuse later... It’s you teaching yourself and giving yourself permission to value yourself and value the value you are capable of adding by saying no.

Listen I was a complete sucker for saying yes ... or being a control freak – if want something done right it’s better I do it myself... trap.  And sometimes I even found myself thinking “no, no, no, no” and then I’d blurt out “yes.”

Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right? Years ago after feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it. I realized I was afraid of saying no because of my desire for control and my biggest fear of rejection. What a combo right? I was afraid that every time I said no, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude, or not able to cope with the demands of my job!

So, bit by bit I learned baby steps by softly saying yes with a condition attached.. and that condition would have been set by me so I would have to clearly verbalize my other commitments and through discussion unless the other party could justify and convince me that this is where I was needed and can add unique value and override other commitments I had then the answer is clearer. Sometimes their justification and the clarity in discussing it further can help you get to the right justifiable yes or in a lot of cases a justifiable no. Especially when you are dealing with many bosses or parties who have differing / conflicting agendas. Enlist their help when you get requests to see if they are aligned with your priorities or where you can add true value, then the answer will be clearer.

I saw an interview a while back with a former hostage negotiator Christopher Voss, he gave a helpful tactic when someone asks for something that is outside the realm of possibilities.  Voss explains that, when you need to decline a project or task, you can ask, “How am I supposed to do that?”  It’s important not to ask this in an accusatory way, but, rather, in a way that elicits a little empathy from the other party. So you could soften it like – “ok I have a lot on my plate right now so can you help me figure out how I am supposed to do that?” It’s in explaining the scope of work you do have—and in exploring whether you can fit in more work without having your primary responsibilities suffer. By asking this question, you're giving the other person a chance to consider the work you do have—and whether adding more (or interrupting it) is actually feasible. Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.

4: Reflect on yourself weekly

Did I protect my boundaries this week? Every week, choose a day to reflect on whether or not you protected your boundaries. By actually tracking it, you start to see a pattern of behaviour where you compromise... you will start to recognize where you are not completing your routines, habits, projects that are important for you and this reflection this assessment is so good as you get more committed to protecting your time and sanity.  Be honest about what you’re doing, the value it’s adding, how much passion you feel towards it, and what you want in life. Then you’ll feel more in control of your boundaries. The reason why people reach burn out isn’t because it’s a sudden thing it happens because its week after week after week of compromising yourself... so if you are reflecting and checking in each week its more likely that you ill catch yourself at it and stop that and say oh my gosh look at how poorly I managed this week, look at how poorly I didn’t say no... look at how many places and tasks I took on that maybe I didn’t need to.. you need this reflective review .. either with yourself or with an accountability partner or a coach...

5: Prepare For Boundary-Breakers 

 While you’re out there setting boundaries, you will experience pushback and infractions. 

Building boundaries is not an overnight process—and some people are unaware that they're constantly crossing them—like that coworker who taps your shoulder when you're deep in work with headphones on. If you tell someone you’ll wait for them for 15 minutes, and you’re still there when they show up 30 minutes after that, you’ve failed to respond to a boundary-crossing. You might be angry with them for being late, but you’re the one who set a boundary of 15 minutes and then didn’t protect it.

If it’s not realistic to give them only 15 minutes, then don’t set that boundary in the first place. Only make rules you’re willing to enforce. Don't view boundary-breaking as a step back. Instead, use it as an opportunity to instruct educate others on how you best communicate, when it's appropriate to disrupt you (if ever), and what they can realistically expect from you. 

So if you do these 5 things, you will start to find that it’s much more likely you will start to create more balance... and feel a sense of happiness and pride at the amount of work you are doing and the amount you are giving to a project or relationships versus just feeling that everyone is taking away from you.

It’s on YOU... you own your life, your priorities, your time.... nobody else is going to make it great...

You’ve got to draw the line...set the boundaries... do things that you know are true to you that they add value, protect your life, it’s up to you to draw a line in the sand

And do those things and you will start setting boundaries and Find More Balance..