🤯 🤪 5 Tips On How to Have Difficult Conversations 🧠 👀

Have you every had to have a difficult conversation with somebody that you just really didn’t want to have?

Whether it was like you delivering a hard message of feedback to them about something that they did, that bothered you or it was giving them difficult information about something happened to a family member of theirs or a friend and it was just the conversation you are looking at and you are like, “Uh, I don’t want to do this. I don’t know how to do this.” Or you are just annoyed or angry and you’re like, “How do I do this without exploding and starting World War 3?”

Working with over hundreds of leaders and managers for almost 17 years, has taught me that one the biggest regrets managers and leaders have and express is  around not having difficult conversations sooner. I hear them say “I could have helped team members improve faster, had so many more productive meetings, and really impacted cultural change quicker and smoother. I could have released that person who was so unhappy in their job sooner etc..”

I think we can all relate and are guilty of making excuses sometimes as we say: ‘It will sort itself out; They’ll eventually stop doing it; There are more important things to focus on...’ Of course, delaying these conversations can make things worse. And, sometimes, it even leads to crises.

So, here are 5 tips to help you approach having difficult conversations.

1: Check your Emotional State First:

Don’t enter the conversation with your current emotions. When you’re upset or want someone to change, it’s easy to enter the conversation in a bad emotional place – most of the time this will NOT serve you or the other person. Remember, conversations are between 2 parties – it’s usually a 50-50 game; it’s as much about the other person as it is you. Take a breather, get perspective, and always enter a tough conversation with humility and kindness and come from a place of compassion.

I bet most of the major regrets that you have had in your past or major conflicts you had in your past was because you were so stuck in your own emotion when you had it. Something triggered you or annoyed you, or you got fired up with somebody. Something came up and you were just upset about it and you said something you wish you’d never said, you felt so terrible about it and it made things 10 times harder because you were hijacked and stuck in your own emotional space, you were in your own emotional washing machine of things going around and around in your head and you forgot it takes two to have a conversation. So make sure you never enter a difficult conversation from your selfish emotion. You are smart enough to know that there are two sides to every story. Be humble enough to think that perhaps you are not seeing the full picture and maybe you don’t know how to handle this situation.. So, go in slow with humility and compassion because we all know that any outcome that we want is not going to come easily from overwhelming the other person with demands, criticisms and requests. If you can get yourself in a calmer state and remember that you can’t know everything and can never see the true full picture in everything ..  So Check Your Emotional State First!

2: Set your Intention:

Begin with the end in mind. How do you want the other person to feel at the end of the conversation? What do you want them to believe or do? How do you want to feel and be perceived? Keep your answers in mind, and you’ll be more intentional and effective during the conversation.

Take some deep breaths and get into an intentional state of mind using the Freeze Frame technique developed by Doc Lew Childre: which simply is you looking at the situation as a movie – where you are the starring role. What you do from one moment to the next determines show the story in the movie will unfold and how it ends. Freeze Frame allows you to pause the movie so you can step back and get a wider more balanced perspective view of the situation. Then you can ask yourself: “How could I handle this in a better way?” Breathe deeply and release the tension and set your intention for your communication with this person. You can set your intention to learn their perspective on the matter at hand, recognise their struggle and with a focus on improving and finding a way forward together.    Be clear with yourself about your intention —its not  about you getting your point across or declaring who is right or wrong. It's not to have your toxic dump - It is to heal, grow or expand the relationship.- so set your Intention.

3: Observe, Feel, Need and Request

This model is taken from the famous Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshal Rosenberg – whose work for me is some of the best I have seen. NVC is an awful name for one of the most powerful communication frameworks I have ever come across. But it helps you to be honest, without criticising, insulting, or putting down other people.

The art of having difficult conversations is in being able to empathise with others while also empathising with yourself. This helps you to communicate more directly, and to better manage healthy conflict. We all feel vulnerable when exposing our emotions. It can take time to identify what you need. Its way easier to identify what you don’t want than what you do want. But like anything in life if we keep persevering, this can have a massive impact on your relationships, and make difficult conversations just that little bit easier.

At the core of NVC is a straightforward communication pattern:

When ____[observation], I feel ____[emotion] because I’m needing some ____[ needs]. Would you be able to ____[request]?

Here are a few examples:

• ‘When you said that you’d send the document last week and I haven’t received it, having asked for it three times last Friday, I felt completely ignored and frustrated because I need support, reassurance and clarity on your part of the project’s progress. Would you be able to send me a brief update even if you have nothing important to say – any information is better than nothing at all.
• When you said, “I’m not happy with your work,” to me in front of the team, I felt embarrassed because it didn’t meet my need for trust and recognition. Please, could we set up a weekly one-on-one session to share feedback in private?’
• ‘I haven’t received any responses from the last three monthly updates. I’m feeling concerned because I need input. Please, would you mind getting back to me with responses to my questions in the last update?’
• ‘You arrived 10 minutes late to the last three team meetings. I am frustrated because, as a team, we have a need for efficiency. Please, could you help me understand what’s happening?’

During difficult conversations, it’s important to be extremely concise. Aim to describe your observations, feelings, needs and requests in less than 40 words. Using more words suggests you’re justifying your needs or you start digging a hole.

Also it goes without saying that its Important to Have these conversations face-to-face either in person or virtually – not via email. So again remember to use the NVC Model: Observe, Feel, Need and Request.

4: Be patient and Listen.

When you are sharing bad news or delivering a difficult message, take it s-l-o-w. Be patient and allow the other person to feel, to speak, to let your message sink in. Don’t dump your feelings out on them or seek a hasty resolution. Almost all problems in difficult conversations come because someone is impatient. Breathe. If the relationship is important, then it’s important to be patient. You have to be willing to listen – and listen intentionally. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is rehearsing the conversation in your head before and bringing preconceptions with you. Instead, get on the same side of the table as the other person and just sit with them. Hear what they need to say and be willing to say what you need to. "Be willing to be wrong about what you thought they would say, what you thought they would do, how you thought they would respond, what you thought was going on.” Be patient and Listen.

5: Agree on the next first step.

At the end of the conversation, be sure you have the next steps for how you're going to behave, what the expectation is, what the next step will be,  

Don't just leave a conversation without clarity – always close with both parties being clear on  “Now what are we doing? What’s our next first step.

The outcome of a difficult conversation isn’t necessarily an agreement. We hope that we can get our needs met, but sometimes this isn’t possible. The sad truth is that no one can meet our needs all of the time.

Ultimately, the responsibility of meeting our needs is our own. So we need to set boundaries and outline the consequences of crossing those boundaries.

Outlining consequences is one of the most uncomfortable parts of being a manager, especially for people that want to be liked. What if the other person thinks we’re being unfair?

Keep in mind that appropriate consequences are those whose purpose is to protect your needs, not to punish the other person. In other words, consequences should be protective, not punitive.

Let’s say an employee continually misses their key performance targets. As a manager, you are responsible for the effectiveness of your team — and every team needs effectiveness. If deadlines continue to be missed (the boundary), you might have to switch their responsibilities, train them more or move them on (the consequence). It’s not personal, it’s just what you’ll do to protect your need for effectiveness.

Don't just leave a conversation without clarity -  always think what are we doing? Agree on the next first step.

I don’t think difficult conversation are ever easy but if you can keep these 5 tips in mind, you would do a lot better next time at least, especially if it is difficult news or difficult feedback. Keep these 5 tips in mind.

1: Check your Emotional State First

2: Set Your Intention

3: Observe, Feel, Need, Request

4: Be patient and Listen.

5: Agree on the next step.

You can do better in these conversations. Have that intention to do good for the other person as much as you have to do good for you. The art of having Difficult Conversations is in being able to empathise with others while also empathising with yourself. This helps you to communicate more directly, and to better manage healthy conflict.