🧠 ❤️ 5 Tips To Manage Emotions in Uncertain Times 💪🏻 🤯

How do you develop emotional intelligence? How do we gain control over our negative emotions especially those emotions that don’t serve us? Recognising your emotions and learning to manage them is one of the most important skills you can have – especially and even more so during these challenging times. Feelings are powerful and can become overwhelming at times. Both adults and children might struggle to manage their responses to their feelings and act in ways that feel very out of their control. For example, have you ever felt so angry that you said things you didn’t mean to someone? Then once you calmed down, you realised that your emotions got the better of you and you wish you handled it differently? Or someone in work sent an email that triggered you to send a very short and nasty response that later you regretted?

We have all behaved this way and it is important that we learn how to control these emotions so that we can deal with situations better and learn life skills to navigate our way through tough situations and handle them in a more calm, purposeful way. Being able to alter your thoughts and reactions will build your confidence in your own ability to cope. So let’s talk about five ideas to develop emotional mastery in your life so that you can have more of a continuing feeling and sense of self and strength.

Because generally here’s how people deal with negative emotions:

1: AVOID

Avoiding all situations that could potentially lead to a negative emotion.  For example, people avoid taking risks or approaching that stranger because they are trying to avoid the feeling of rejection or failure.

It’s also working not to feel negative emotions. For example, self-medicating yourself with drugs, alcohol, or food.  Or, spending time watching TV or go on Facebook or use other forms of media as a way to self-hypnotize themselves and escape.

2: DENIAL

This is disassociating to the negative emotion by saying things like, “It’s not that bad.”  The only problem with this approach is that by ignoring the message, the emotion increases – it intensifies until you finally pay attention.

3: COMPETITION

This is when the negative emotion becomes a part of your identity and a way for you to be unique.  It’s something that you’re constantly telling others about, saying things like “You think you’ve got it bad? Wait until you hear my story…”

4) LEARN and UNDERSTAND

Learn how to master your emotions is to understand that all emotions serve you.  Your negative emotions are a call to action, also known as “Action Signals”. Change the meaning of negative emotions to “Action Signals”, then all of a sudden your emotions become your mentor, ally, and coach – they guide you.  The emotions you are feeling right now are a gift, a guideline, a support system, or a call to action.

Your Action Signals are telling you that what you’re currently doing is not working. YOU are the source of all your emotions, you are the one who creates them.

We’ve all had situations where our emotions got the best of us. Often it’s because we didn’t realize what was happening until we were too far down the “emotional hijack train” to change it. The best time to handle an emotion is when you first begin to feel and experience it fully. That way it won’t keep popping up time and time again. By following these 5 straightforward tips, you’ll learn how to master your emotions and take control of your life.

1: Identify & Appreciate

Identify what the Emotion is and appreciate the message it is sending you. Don’t make the feeling wrong or let someone else tell you or label your feeling good or bad.

Now in the heat of the moment - it's harder when we get hijacked for sure. My advice is breathe deeply – count backwards from 10 and walk away politely / take  break if you can. What you want to do is engage your logical brain to short circuit the “Hijacked part “ of your brain.

So identify what the underlying emotion is and appreciate the message it may be sending you. If you Feel Uncomfortable, ask yourself what could the Message be? What else could this mean? What's going on for you?

You never want to make your emotions wrong.

The idea that anything you feel is “wrong” is a great way to destroy honest communication with yourself as well as with others.

Change the way you are looking at something and change your state, clarify what you want and take action in that direction.

Or if you are feeling Hurt, perhaps the message could be an expectation is not being met and you have a feeling of loss. Maybe you can focus first and foremost on what YOU can control by changing your behaviour or change the way you are communicating your needs.

Or if you are feeling overwhelmed perhaps the message could be that you need to Prioritise what’s important by listing the things you want to accomplish in order of priority, then take action with the first item on your list. Or finally if you are feeling lonely - maybe this could mean reach out and connect with someone.

Or maybe you need to change your perception or your rules about this situation, or even your procedures the way you are proceeding to manage this situation. Maybe you need to communicate your needs and expectations more effectively - maybe you need to talk with the other person and ask for help to manage expectations and needs. Or maybe you need to behave differently or treat others differently and maybe they will treat you differently so you wont feel this hurt, this anger or this upset. Maybe you need to be more flexible in your behaviour so you won't feel you are stuck anymore and won't feel so frustrated. Again - remember we always have choices.

2: Get curious - As yourself what specifically do I want?

GET CURIOUS ABOUT THE MESSAGE THIS EMOTION IS OFFERING YOU. Get curious  about what you really want in this situation. Emotional mastery means approaching your feelings with a sense of curiosity. Your feelings will teach you a lot about yourself if you let them. Getting curious helps you:

- Interrupt your current emotional pattern – sometimes I have a rubber band / stress ball – close by and snap myself out of it.

But get curious about what you do want...

What needs to happen to make something happen?

What am I willing to do to make it the way I want it?

What can I learn from this situation? Did I contribute to this? How can I make it better ?

Remember Emotions are helping you learn and take action. Consider how do I want to feel? What specifically do I want?

Consider thinking about what's an empowering way I can look a this? Choose meanings that empower you.

If you remember nothing else – every feeling you have good or bad is not based on the reality of life but rather the interpretation as to what things mean.

For example, if someone said something that hurt you and upset you or angered you, ask what else could this mean? Maybe they are going through their own stuff maybe they are scared about something. Consider,  what’s going on with them that makes them treat people like this? Or say or do things like this. What else could this mean?

If you are frustrated then maybe asking what else this could mean might push you into new learning ground to help you make a break through.

Or maybe if you feel a little overwhelmed it's because you are about to grow and expand. Because, If  I learn how to deal with this then I will deal with almost anything.

Keep asking yourself what else could this mean... You see you and I can choose a new meaning a new way of looking at things and a new way of how we feel about it that serves us better. What’s an empowering way at looking at this situation – even tragedy...what else could this mean? Choose meanings that empower you.

3: Remind yourself You’ve Handled This Emotion Before

Maybe this situation and circumstance is different but the emotion is the same as before – maybe at a different intensity, but you have handled it before and got through it. The quickest and most powerful route to emotional mastery over any feeling is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and handled it successfully. Since you managed the emotion in the past, surely you can handle it today. Get confident and reassure yourself you’ve got. This too shall pass.

Have you ever felt destroyed or really hurt you but got over it eventually?

Have you ever felt afraid or scared about uncertainty? But then everything came to light eventually?

Remember in every situation we are perceiving what is going on not necessary what is actually going on.

Asking What else could this mean? Maybe you’re upset or angry about something that is not even about you?

Maybe the other person or people are doing the best they can with the resources they have?

Engage your empathy.  Try not to assume anything.

GET CERTAIN YOU CAN HANDLE THIS NOT ONLY TODAY, BUT IN THE FUTURE AS WELL. To master your emotions, build confidence by rehearsing handling situations where this emotion might come up in the future. See, hear and feel yourself handling the situation. This is the equivalent of lifting emotional weights, so you’ll build the “muscle” you need to handle your feelings successfully. 

4: Notice the Triggers

Sometimes, pesky little triggers will set you off when you least expect it. With all good intentions, it is these triggers that can easily lead to a slip-up of you losing it.

Triggers can be:

People – your partner, family or housemates saying something that you don’t agree with or fully understand or hits a nerve

Emotions – like stress or anxiety. A stressful day at work, or with the kids leads to emotions running high. 

Experiences – Frustrating internet connection during an important meeting, or driving in bad traffic.

We all have our triggers. The trick is spotting them – before they lead you to where you don’t want to go.

It is important to reflect on the situation and how you feel. Reflect on what these triggers are and brainstorm strategies to prepare yourself for next time these triggers appear.

And if possible avoid circumstances that trigger unwanted emotions or prepare yourself mentally to cope. If you know that you're most likely to get angry when you’re in a hurry (and you become angry when others force you to wait), then don’t leave things for the last minute. Get out of the house or office 10 minutes before you need to, and you won’t be bothered so much by pedestrians, cars, or slow elevators. Similarly, if there’s an acquaintance you find completely annoying, then figure out a way to keep from bumping into that person.

If all else fails, and you can’t avoid, modify, shift your focus, or change your thoughts, and that emotion comes pouring out, the final step in emotion regulation is to get control of your response. Your heart may be beating out a steady drumroll of unpleasant sensations when you’re made to be anxious or angry. Take deep breaths and perhaps close your eyes in order to calm yourself down.

Use external resources to help you – for example I use music, movement and exercise a lot...  I walk away, talk to myself first – recalibrate. Notice your triggers get prepared next time these triggers appear.

5: Handle that inner voice

“The Chimp Paradox” by Prof Steve Peter talks about we all have an “inner chimp” - a part of our brain that runs on gut feeling and instinct. It can be so easy to listen to that and react without giving it a second of rational thought.

The chimp can appear in a number of different ways :

Irrational thoughts e.g. When you hear yourself saying: "they think that I have nothing else better to do than ...."  Question that train of thought - Do they really? Perhaps the odd person might but is there actually any evidence of what you are thinking? Often it is all in our head - our thoughts affect our emotions and subsequently our behaviour. If you think that, you are likely to feel self-conscious,  overwhelmed or isolated. Is that serving you?

Self-doubt - constantly telling yourself that you don’t have what it takes, that you are never going to be able to this. Don’t listen to the chimp!! Of course you can do this. Tell yourself that every single day you are doing the best you can with the resources you have. You are growing, you are learning. If you listen to the chimp, you will be much more likely to feel defeated and give in.

Here are some questions to ask yourself...

What are the ways that your inner-chimp presents itself?
How can it catch you off guard and take over?
Think of the chimp as a person... give them a name!
Think about what you will say to the chimp next time they pop up!

Self-reliance means that you are in charge of your life, and that you are the one who is going to change things. You are the one who controls your focus, attention, time, and actions.

We're all a little broken. Nobody gets out of here without suffering but it’s what you do with that pain that defines you.

Bonus – Breathe and Choose again to feel good

Cultivate Positive Emotions. Remind yourself that the negative feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, frustration  do not belong to you and recognise when they aren't serving you. When you feel any of those old unwanted sensations, look around and reassure yourself that there is no immediate danger. Increase positive emotions like gratitude, appreciation and joy can really help balance you. Build a complementary set of neural pathways so that your brain begins to default to feelings of joy and relaxation. As you continually instruct your brain’s attention to good feelings, it will notice them more and more often. From this moment forward, anytime you notice yourself feeling particularly good, put your hand on your heart and take a moment to acknowledge how good it feels. Next, give your mind the instruction to seek out more of this good feeling in the future or simply say out loud: “I feel good!”

Emotions govern our sense of well-being. Since emotions are a product of our experiences and how we perceive those experiences, we can cultivate positive emotions by focusing on them. There are 10 “power emotions” that cultivate emotional mastery by creating a base of positive affect. When we incorporate even small doses of gratitude, passion, love, hunger, curiosity, confidence, flexibility, cheerfulness, vitality and a sense of contribution, we set the stage for feeling good about ourselves.

Choose again to Feel good by making a list of the things that make you feel good.

Commit to generating the emotions that you want to experience in your life. You need to commit to managing your emotions and not allow others to manage them. If I get upset about something, I will take a breath and ask myself, how my best self would respond to this situation right now. I’ll literally say that out loud and answer my own question:

“Well, you know what? I would apologize. I would tell the truth. I’d sit down and do the work... etc.”

With emotional mastery, you have to give yourself cues. You have to give yourself affirmation. You have to tell yourself how to think, feel and act.

It’s not about hoping the perfect ‘you’ comes out. Emotional mastery comes from you telling yourself what to do and you doing it enough over a period of time that your brain and your emotions fall into a state of integrity between your mind and heart.

And that only happens with practice.

Generate the emotions that you want to feel today. Change your focus. Talk to yourself. These are the keys, the fundamentals, of developing greater emotional control, greater emotional mastery. You deserve those things.

However, they won’t come naturally.You have to try. Challenge yourself to develop in each of these areas of your life and you will start to experience more of a feeling and sense of self and strength, self-confidence and be able to manage your focus, time and attention more effectively.

So the five tips once again...  

1: Identify and Appreciate the Emotion

Don’t see it as good or bad – see it as action signals what’s the message – do you need to change your perception or procedure?Ask, what else might this mean?

2: Get Curious  - about specifically what you want

Interrupt your current pattern of spiralling out of control. What learning can you take from what's going on? Refocus on what you do want.

3: You’ve handled this before – breathe in – remember a time when you have handled this before and got through it. This too shall pass.

4: Recognize your triggers – prepare yourself for next time to control your response.

5: Handle that inner voice  - manage that chimp – breathe, give yourself time to let your logical part of your brain engage – question the crazy thoughts, be more self reliant, take charge of your sphere of control.

Bonus. Use your power to choose and Cultivate positive emotions.

So thank you for joining me in todays episode if you found this helpful please share it with others and like us / comment on our facebook, instagram, linkedin pages.